Alina is going to be okay. She has a home and a job. She has a support system and a partner who respects her. She is sober. These things might seem small, but they mean everything for a woman whose life was in pieces just a year ago.

At the time, Alina was living with her young son and her ex-partner in a relationship that had long since turned toxic and abusive.

“It got worse over the years,” says Alina. “He was draining me emotionally. He was verbally and mentally abusive. He cheated on me, and he got [someone else] knocked up. And at the end he became physically abusive.”

It was during this relationship that Alina made the worst choice of her life.

“I found out he was doing [hard drugs], and I wanted him to quit,” says Alina. “But then I had the thought in my head, later on, like ‘what if I tried it?’ And I think part of me was only doing it because if we did it together, he would stay. I think I was willing to do anything I could to keep him. And then after a while I started doing it [on my own], because it helped ease the pain.”

The drugs only fueled the dysfunction, however.

Alina describes the “breaking point” of the relationship. She was working on some home crafts when an argument broke out. In a rage, Alina’s ex kicked over the table she was sitting at and told her, “I hope you die.”

The relationship ended soon after that, but Alina concedes that it happened far too late.

“I was trying to save something that couldn’t be saved,” she says. “When he [became violent], it broke everything, and I finally got out. I was with him for almost 5 years. It was the last 3 or 4 years that I dealt with all of that.”

The abuse stopped, but Alina was mentally and emotionally destroyed. Drugs became even more of an escape for her. Her addiction snowballed and her problems escalated.

“Once I finally left him, a whole domino effect of stuff happened,” says Alina. “I lost my job, then lost my place. My son got taken from me because of the way things were going.”

Alina lived at a motel for a while, but she couldn’t find a new job and get her feet under her.

“I was trying to stay sober around that time, but I ended up relapsing,” she says.

Then came the culmination of the worst year of Alina’s life: she went to jail, for about five months. That’s where she got sober, and she gained some clarity about what her life had become.

“When I got out, I basically had nothing,” says Alina. “I walked all the way from the jail to [the Mission]. To be honest, I was scared to come here. I’m one of those people that don’t like asking for help, and I didn’t want to be at a shelter. But I needed it.”

At the Mission, Alina showed a true desire to turn her life around. She was polite and easy to work with. She showed enough responsibility to become a dorm monitor, helping to make sure clients follow curfew and dorm rules. She went above and beyond by showing new clients around and encouraging them to meet with the Mission social workers.

Alina landed a job and got on the waitlist for a housing voucher. She has put serious effort into recovery and building a support system around her.

Alina is now receiving therapy through the Northeast Human Service Center. She also joined a counseling group.

“It helps with dealing with your emotions and stress and anxiety,” says Alina. “It’s very helpful, I actually like it.”

Alina also got on proper medication for the first time in along time.

“Being on the medication, it helps me maintain my moods and my anxiety, so I don’t feel the need for [drugs],” she says.

Alina has been practicing other healthy ways to relax and process her feelings. A favorite activity of hers is going down by the river and listening to music.

“I’m very big on music, and a lot of the stuff I listen to I can relate to,” says Alina. “It can be sad music, to indies and bluegrass, to rap and rock.”

Alina is leaning into her faith more as well.

“[My faith] helped me out a lot when I was in jail,” says Alina. “I think I’m more scared to believe in something that I never really was around [growing up]. But I’m open to it and I do accept God. Definitely, when you are at your lowest, it is something that is always there for you.”

Alina has attended the bible study group at the Mission, which is hosted by church volunteers. She describes a “moment” she had with Deacon Sam at her first session.

“I was sitting over in the back corner, mostly just listening to him talk,” she says. “I guess I had this look on my face. He said that he would pray for me because I looked lonely, that I was a loving and caring person and that there was a light in me that was trying to come out. He said, ‘Don’t let anyone take that away from you. You are blessed.’ And it almost made me cry. I thought, 'how would he have known [that], when he doesn’t even know me?'”

Alina is turning things around, but one thing continues to haunt her, and that is losing her son. It’s a painful topic for her, and she struggles to hold back tears as she speaks:

“It’s really tough, because I love my son to death. I’ve made some mistakes, and I feel guilty about it. I did drugs during that time. [My ex] influenced what I did and how I acted. It’s really sad to say that, that people have that much influence on you… My mom told me that I was a great mother until I met him.”

Alina chokes up on that last sentence, and she takes a moment to regain her composure.

“I was a few months without a job, trying to make sure he was taken care of, and I was struggling. You know, it makes you feel like a really crappy person, not being able to provide the way you want to.”

Alina fears she will never get her son back, though she hopes she is wrong. Perhaps by necessity, she has found a positive way to look at the situation.

“I have to think about the plus side, that he’s being given more than what I probably could offer,” she says. “He’s in therapy, and he likes it where he’s at. That’s all I want, is for him to be happy and healthy and taken care of.”

Alina knows her only shot to be present in her son’s life is to stay sober and keep working on herself. She has since moved out of the Mission and is staying with her new boyfriend, who is nothing like her ex.

“I feel good about him,” says Alina. “He’s a hard worker. He has a really good job. His goal is to try to get a house. I’ve never been in a house before, so being able to have that with somebody means a lot to me.”

Alina’s dream is to have her own house out in the country and a dog that can roam around. “Maybe a couple horses. And a cat,” she says with a smile.

That might seem like a pipe dream, but one thing is for sure. Alina is a lot closer now than she was a year ago.

“I’ve been through a lot, and if people want to judge me, they can go ahead and judge me,” Alina says. “Maybe someone can relate to my story.”

Alina is far from perfect, but she’s trying to her best to recover from a hopeless situation.
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